Thighhighs and garden gnomes
by kEEpEr of da bEEz
Summary: ...it is a heep of crap...so you KNOW you want to read it...please? I'm taking suggestions for the storyline!WARNING! Shonen-ai
1. Prolouge Enter the evil nylons

THIGH HIGHS AND GARDEN GNOMES…..

Summary: this is a story that I started writing after I got an idea from a disturbing conversation at my friends party…. It sorta doesn't have a story line yet , ….but I'll work on that….

Disclaimer: you know the drill…

Prolouge: Enter the evil nylons

Sakura couldn't believe it… It was the absolute worst moment of her life! Nothing could compare to this, not even the constant rejection she got from Sasuke-kun could rival this disappointment !

…Let me explain…

Haruno Sakura was going to a party. Not just ANY party, but the MOST important party of her life! Her crush, Sasuke, was elidgedly going to be there. Tonight was the night! She could see it now! He would see her in her beautiful new dress and be enchanted. Then he would come over to her and ask her to dance (in front of Ino of course). He would fall in love and profess his undying love for her (again, in front of Ino). She was in the middle of renaming their children when she noticed that she HAD NO STOCKINGS!!!! This was a disaster! He was not aloud to see her pale ugly winter-legs!!! (AN: my legs during the winter are gross and pale and you can see all my veins…ick!) All she could find were some knee-highs and her dress went far above her knees!!!!!

"Fsck this!!!" she sobbed after franticaly rummaging through her home looking for anything!

When no results were produced from said search, she was pissed, "FEEL THE WRATH OF A BITCHY GODDESS" pissed. The only thing she could do now was to skip the party ….. scream curses and whip the offending nylons out the window…..

Rants: yes I know this sucks big time, but I promise to work on that!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!!!…. Now review dammit, o and does somebody want to tell me how to do the beta reader thing?…and do it for me? PLEASE!!!!

PREVEIW OF NEXT CHAPTER::::: Sasuke looked up after a soft object collided with his head and heardsome very artistic curses…WAIT!!! Was that Sakura's voice?!?! He bent down to inspect the offending object….


	2. Sadist?

Disclaimer: GRRR!!! FFFFT! FFFFFFFFT!(Translation: yes I do know I don't own naruto, for you people have rubbed that fact in many, MANY times)

WARNING!!!!: I've decided to make this a shonen-ai fic…evil laugh

CHAPTER 1- Sadist?

Sasuke looked up after a soft object collided with his head and heard some very artistic curses…WAIT!!! Was that Sakura's voice?!?! He bent down to inspect the offending object….

NYLONS?!?!?! This didn't make any sense, apparently, Sakura was …well angry would be an understatement. Sasuke didn't know that Sakura was capable of such vile language, and it worried…. Scratch that, Sasuke was afraid…VERY AFRAID!!!! He tried to make no sound as he crept away, but alas, lady luck did not favor him tonight…

If you ever asked him, Sasuke would rant on and on about how the damn garden gnome had it out for him and put itself in his way with malicious intent. How was he supposed to make an escape now?!?! His poor poor ankle, he knew that it was sprained, at least, possibly broken. He watched the grotesque monstrosity swell with sick fascination… "Damn…neeeeed to escape….must not be caught by Sakura…. Fuck fuck fuck a duck! Screw a kangaroo! Finger-bang an orangutang! Orgy at the zoo!(this was stolen from…some one else, sorry if it was you, but I forgot what story it was from…if you know who it is, tell me, PLEASE)"was Sasuke's train of thought, which with it he proves how perverted he really truly is.

"Uhhhh…Sasuke?!?!" sounded a familiar voice behind him. For a second he thought it was Sakura, but then realized that he was wrong, and it was HIS hot dobe. Thanking every god he knew for sending him a savoir.

"Dobe! Get over here and help me!"

Naruto wondered if he should help Sasuke, or just sit and watch, like some sorta sadist…. Besides, Sasuke looked really hot!

-TBC-

Rants-Math sucks!!! I hate it, don't understand it, and have no desire to learn it!!! Oh and look!! 2 chaps in one day!!! YOU PEOPLE SHOULD WORSHIP ME LIKE THE GOD I PRETEND I AM!!! evil cackle Remember to reveiw


	3. Poking and goats

Disclaimer:tries frantically to convince people that she owns naruto, but no one believes her for she is a bad lier

CHAP 2-POKING AND GOATS

Tsunada-sama sighed. Uzumaki Naruto walked in carrying a protesting Uchiha Sasuke, bridal style. She always knew something like this would happen….. And Naruto, being as stupid as he was, probably thought he'd gotten Sasuke pregnant. She prepared herself to give Naruto "the talk" when he simply said, "I think he broke his ankle."

It took her a second to comprehend what he said, as she was expecting it to be something extremely stupid, such as, "I hope it's a boy" When he said that, she tried to hide the surprise on her face… and the relief at not having to give him the "talk". She came over quickly and poked the swollen ankle and saw the stoic boy wince. Tsunade decided that this was the perfect opportunity to torture the poor boy….

After a long and extremely painful examination, Tsunade did indeed find that the ankle was broken…..And found that, if she poked hard enough, she could make the Uchiha squeal like a girl. This delighted her to no end.

Tsunade-sama had also formed an evil, EVIL plan in that time…. She had always known there was some sort of strange bond between the two and was determined to find out what it was. And instead of using her earlier plan, which included a goat, a cliff, and a very large garden gnome, this situation gave her the perfect opportunity. "Naruto, in light of this problem, you shall have to live with Sasuke to help him." She tried not to laugh, but their facial expressions were worthy of being called Kodak moments…

-RANTS- Sorry the chappies are soooooo short, but I decided to try and get them out as fast as I can…. I really hate math, and I need reviews to cheer me up… plus there is now a STORYLINE!!!!! Remember to review dammit!


	4. Disturbing Dreams

Disclaimer:…. Yeah, I know….

CHAPTER 3- DISTERBING DREAMS

The gnomes, all in their dwarvish finery with those stupid pointy hats they always seemed to wear. All smiling the same maniacal grin. All cackling the same evil laugh. 

These…things? They were coming from everywhere, underneath the bed, from the closet, the cracks in the wall, seriously, from EVERYWHERE! Coming, and coming and coming! They were filling up the room, advancing on him with all sorts of ridiculous weapons, ranging from their pointy hats to plain old kitchen knives. ! Coming, and coming and coming! Soon they surrounded him, and they simultaneously attacked. He went down beneath their onslaught, all hope abandoned. He knew this was the end.

Suddenly, he was awake. He had heard a loud thud from downstairs. He just assumed that Naruto had rolled off the guest-bed, and turned over and went back to sleep.

Rants- super short, super stupid, I know. O and I'm taking story plot suggestions now…. Please tell me what to do, for I am so lost without you people!!! REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1


	5. The morning after

Disclaimer: no ownage, no sewage…errrrr… sewing…shut up, you know what I meant!! Don't make fun of my retardation!!!!

Notes- Due to a certain reviewer coughtheshinykittycoughcough I've decided to work on the content of the story instead of updates, so this will update about once every 4-5 days, possibly more due to the fact that my computer broke and now only have access at school. See, I can take helpful criticism but if its gonna be the whiny crap 'bout how you think my story sucks, I PROMISE you they will never find your body ….::smiles::

CHAPTER 4!!!!- The morning after

Sasuke woke up early, even before his alarm clock rang and lay in bed. He was friggin' tired. Sasuke remembered everything that had happened yesterday. He remembered the hokage painfully bandaging his ankle, and to his eternal shame, he remembered squealing like a girl. Naruto would never let him live that down. He remembered coming home and listening to Naruto complain about how woe was him over and over again. He also remembered that suddenly he could see the up side of being a homicidal maniac.

There was a loud voice coming in from the kitchen that sounded like a cow dying in a hailstorm. It took him awhile, but he realized that it was not some sort of deranged assassin, but Naruto was singing…..

"Do you have the time,

to listen to me whine?!… conk

"ouch! Shit Sasuke! What the hell was that for!?" Sasuke had picked up his crutches and crutches, hobbled over to Naruto, and whacked that sucker in the face with a random object. Said object just so happened to be a frying pan. Sasuke was surprised and upset that the blow had not knocked the blond unconscious, and then even more upset about the fact that Naruto was trying to cook breakfast. Operative word being "trying".

There was a large mess that spanned the kitchen comprised of eggs, flour, and some form of batter. It was everywhere, including on the top of the refrigerator, and under the dining room table.

"What the HELL have you done to my kitchen?!?" Sasuke practically screeched. For some reason, he wished that it had been some sort of deranged assassin down here, for then the morning would be a lot less painful and a lot more peaceful. Sasuke proceeded to screech artistic obscenities while Naruto tried to implode, hoping that maybe then he wouldn't have Sasuke yelling at him. Sure, the attention was nice, but the screeching, well, no man should be allowed to screed like that. Screeching men are just… wrong.

After a red face and several coronaries later, Sasuke settled down and stormed out, as best he could. It wasn't very effective though, but it's the effort that counts… right?

Sasuke wouldn't admit it but he felt bad for yelling at Naruto. Sure, Naruto was a screw-up and had the mentality of a retarded child but Sasuke went overboard.

Naruto, scared to death, QUIETLY continued to make breakfast then proceeded to clean up the mess. 20 minutes of silence and cleaning had worried Sasuke and made him think he was too harsh on the poor… retarded child snork. Sasuke sheepishly sat down and stared at his hands. Odd things hands… they were weird looking but they worked… kinda like Naruto.

As Sasuke went into his own worked Naruto placed his breakfast on the table He waited for him to notice but after awhile he realized that Sasuke was in his own little world. Naruto wolfed down his breakfast and started to leave when he realized the Sasuke was still in his little funk. Naruto thought about asking Tsunade if she had given him a very large dose of painkillers but decided to resolve this on his own. And there just so happened to be a pair of chopsticks nearby. Naruto, thinking it would be best to keep some distance between himself and Sasuke during this experiment. Naruto reached forward and poked lightly, and in seeing no response he jabbed as hard as he could….

Sasuke yelped at the interruption of his daydreaming, jumped up, yelped again, and fell over. Soon a torrent of explicits just SPEWED from his mouth as Naruto tried to help him onto the sofa in the other room. Sasuke resented the help and showed that, violently. He also found that you had to hit a certain spot on the back of Naruto's head to knock him out. Naruto went down like a stone…..

And just then Sasuke realized that both his crutches and breakfast were unreachable, in the other room…

Rants- No, seriously, my computer broke! I had finally fixed the damn thing and had Internet but then I go away for the weekend and my damn brother broke the damn thing!!! And now the only computer access I have is at school!!! This sucks!!!

Iluvkaiba- sorry 'bout the beta thing, but I'm kinda having problems…

Sassy-kun-Thanx a bundle!!! Oh, and your story was interesting!!! Update soon!!!

Theshinykitty- you didn't insult me! I thought that you have a good point!…so I tried…how did I do?!?!

Hogo-chan- bite me…joking!!! (Remember the Sara pancakes!!)

Oh and everyone! Say thanks to Alex (hogo-chan) for typing some of this up!!!!


	6. Rumblies in my tummy

Disclaimer: Shoo lawyers! SHOO!!!

CHAPTER5- Rumblies in my Tummy

Sasuke's stomach rumbled. It had been 4 hours since he had knocked Naruto out. He was worried, but it wasn't like he was actually going to show that side of himself. Not ever. But a more pressing matter was the fact that he had not eaten since lunch the day before. Damn it! The stupid dobe was faking it, or he was sleeping. Probably sleeping.

Sasuke ignored his stomach, settled down to find a comfortable spot in the couch, and watched Naruto sleep. Now, with his face relaxed, Naruto's looks rivaled his own. The whisker marks, the long eyelashes, the golden hair, the eyebrows that were a slightly darker shade…Sasuke just sat and watched, commiting this sight to memory. Damn, what were these feelings that he was having?…. WAIT A SECOND?!?! SINCE WHEN DID HE HAVE FEELINGS?!?!?

Rants- Sorry! Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry!!!!!!!! This chap. Is SOOOOOOOOOOO short!!! I wrote this and then I could'nt think of what else to do with it!!! For my apology, I posted 2 chaps!!! GOMEN!!!! Don't hurt me!!! runs


	7. I will be your hero, baby!

Disclaimer: Shoo lawyers! Shoo!

CHAPTER 6- I will be your hero, baby!

"Squeal! Oh my gods!!! Sasuke-kun is injured! We must go on a mission to help him!!!" Said fan girl #1.

"Sob our poor poor precious Sasuke-kun! Maybe he'll let me stay with him and help him out! And then he'll fall in love with me!!!" fantasized fan girl #2.

"HA!! There is no way he'll fall in love with you, Ugly!!!" screeched fan girl #3, " What's really gonna happen is that we are going to go and visit him, and since he can't move…."

Sasuke sneezed. Once…twice…three times. And that last one was particularly violent. Damn! Was he getting a cold? Maybe that would explain the lapse in his normally stoic behavior. "Tch! This bites!"

Naruto was pouting (cutely, of course) about the earlier incident. His poor widdle head felt like something big and ugly was trying to claw its way out of his head. With blunt claws… This was all Sasuke's fault. Poor widdle Naruto, the martyr, was only trying to help Sasuke-teme. Of course it didn't occur to Naruto that he was the cause of Sasuke's problems, but that was such a minor detail.

Suddenly, there were loud squeals coming from the front door. Sasuke winced, anticipating what was coming. While trying to hide in the sofa cushions, he almost had a heart attack. OH, the horrors! They were probably going to try and chain him up, throw him in a cage and sell him to the highest bidder. He shuddered, this truly bites more!!

Naruto was worried! The squeals had announced the approach of competition. Damn! Did he just think that?!?! There was no way he was gay!!! No possible way!!!

As rabid fan girls started to pour in from every possible place, Naruto vented his frustrations. Sasuke was amazed. He didn't know the dobe could fight like that! He officially had a new hero…

Rants- Sorry the latest chapters are so short, but the huge-assed math A exam is coming up and I don't know didley-shit!!! Hides from angry math teacher…


	8. Artificial Happiness: Is that really wro...

Disclaimer: No, I don't own this….sobs in her cold and lonely corner…coughlosercoughcough

This chapter is dedicated to Bob the Builder: Hmmmm, your suggestion is quite interesting….evil cackle

Chapter 8: Artificial Happiness, is that really wrong?

Sasuke NEEDED some drugs. Anti-depressants, crystal meth., rohipnol (you know, the date rape drug.) several crates of cough syrup, he didn't care, just so long as he could get high as a kite.

Seriously, Sasuke was not normally a druggie, but the horribleness that is garden gnomes was following him everywhere he went. He saw those damn things everywhere, especially the abomination named Jasper. Tsunade, how dare she? He would never have suspected her to be that evil. Maybe her stupid pig, but never her. Well, I guess it's always the ones you least expect.

Sasuke grabbed his crutches and limped over to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. AHA! Here it was! The old bottle of cough syrup! He examined the bottle, and what great luck he had. The cough syrup was 3 years past its expiration date. Why get high when you can just overdose on perfectly good prescription drugs? He looked up at the rest of the contents of the medicine cabinet. He had always wondered what those pretty pink pills were for…

Naruto was almost done, just one more…annnnnd he was finished. If he ever had to see another envelope again, he would raze this town to the ground. He had never before realized how boring missions were without Sasuke. There was no one here to challenge him or for him to compete against. Even something as tedious as envelope stamping/sealing could be interesting. He hated to admit, but he missed his rival.

"Mou, Naruto, what are doing, aren't you doooone yet?" The pink haired girl appeared behind him.

He looked over at Sakura. He didn't really like her any more, ever since he had discovered her 'Inner Sakura.' Man, talk about multiple personality disorders.

Sakura continued whining about how much this mission sucked, probably trying to make small talk to fill the silence. Naruto couldn't wait to ditch this popsicle stand and go check on Sasuke. Ever since he saw Sasuke's reaction when he showed him the gnome Tsunade-baba gave him. Such good fun!

He turned to leave and Sakura grabbed his arm before he could escape.

"Mou, Naruto, Are…are you going to …to Sasuke's house?"

"Ummm, yes." He replied.

" Um, could... could you give these to Sasuke-kun…uhh bye-bye now!" Sakura fled from embarrassment.

'Hmmm' Naruto examined the contents of the brown paper bag. There were cookies of all kind, but most important of all, there were his favorite, chocolate chip. He knew he shouldn't but couldn't help but shove a couple in his mouth on the way to Sasuke's.

"Hhhhey there shexy! Youse is finally hoooome giggles ensue

OH. MY. GOD! Was this…'thing' in front of him really Sasuke? What the hell! Was this some kind of sick joke?

"Trashhhhhhhhhh CAAAAAAAAN! Wheeeee!" another out burst from the boy just scared the shit out of Naruto. Seriously, what the hell was going on, was this apocalypse or something?

Then Naruto noticed all the pill bottles in front of Sasuke. 'Well, doesn't that just explain everything! So I guess whenever Sasuke has some free time, he goes and does drugs…' And then he noticed the charred remains of his beloved garden gnome in the corner…and where did those stockings come from? Wow, Sasuke is a flaming transvestite! Holy crap!

"Jasper! How could you!sob" The poor defenseless gnome, scorched and broken in the corner. What had he done to deserve such vile treatment?

"heh heh, I tink is thime fo' shome more pillsh heh heh heh." Sasuke reached for the only not-empty pill bottle.

Naruto slapped his hand away and cleared the bottles away. "You stay right here while I go get you some help!" Naruto was scared, VERY scared of this new side of Sasuke.

"Sasuke nooo needed hhhhhelp!" He whined.

"Right."

'I hope Tsunade-baba will know what to do!'

"Alright, where is Sasuke?" Tsunade asked as she entered the Uchiha mansion.

"Ahnd den dere waz dis mhan wid some whacked-out hair, giggles …hair"

Sasuke was just where Naruto left him, but now he was talking to thin air.

"Ahnd den he shaid..."

It was obvious he had been mixing meds.

"Ahnd it whas shooo coool"

And now he was very lucid...

"Sho I shays tooo dat bashtard..."

And spouting all his well-kept secrets...

" Ahnd den he sho totally pullsh out dis huuuugh..."

And all of this was prefect blackmail material..

Tsunade had an idea, a maliciously evil idea that would scar the poor boy from ever doing this type of thing ever again

"Naruto, get me a tape recorder and a camera, it's petty revenge time" She said mysteriously.

"Huh" said Naruto.

'Dobe' she thought. "Well, you see, what we're gonna do whispers incoherently... You see"

"Great! This way I can avenge Jasper"

"Jasper, what happened to Jasper" Naruto pointed to the charred remains in the corner.

"He did that to Jasper! THIS BITCH IS GOING DOWN"

Rants: Sorry about not updating in like forever, but I have had a bitch-load of midterms and project thingys to do. Gomen!

To all my reveiwers: I love you all, even the Flamers! Seriously though, if you are gonna complain about my grammar, why don't you tell me what I am doing wrong so that I can fix it! I don't really need unhelpful criticism from other people, since my English teacher reminds me almost everyday anyways.

Yet again, Sorry about the uber-late update, and I'll try to get another one out soon!


	9. There is no title for this chapter sara ...

Summary:… yeah…some things are better off not knowing (I can't tell you, I don't know yet… isn't that sad)

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto…yet… that is until the drugs I put in everyone's drinks start to work…heh heh heh Then you'll all believe me when I say that I own them…You'll be putty in my hands… and Sasuke and Naruto slaves in my….remember what I said about you'd be better off not knowing…

Chapter 9- Hyperventilation is fun…not really…

Sasuke had one bitching headache…Scratch that, this was the motherfucker of all migraines! It felt like he was being beaten about the head with a frying pan, and there was something trying to claw its way out of his head at the same time. He tried to reach up and rub his temples when he discovered that…THAT HE WAS CHAINED TO A FUCKIN' HOSPITAL BED!

"Ah, I see you've woken up!" Tsunade-sama said as she walked in to check on the hyperventilating boy.

"Gasp wheeze gasp wheeze!"

"You're being very talkative today" she joked.

"Gasp wheeze gasp wheeze!"

"…"

"Gasp wheeze gasp wheeze gasp wheeze"

"Sasuke, are you alright?"

"Gasp wheeze"

And then a realization hit her like a speeding truck… "Aw shit! Somebody get me some tranquilizers quick!"

There was a rush of movement as several med-nins hurried to take care of the problem and a needle was jabbed into the Uchiha's arm.

"Gasp wheeze gasp…gasp…gasp…snore"

"Well, I wonder what started that?"

"Hey Naru-chan!" growled an easily recognizable voice.

"Hello Sakura- chan." Replied Naruto. '_Naru-chan…what the fuck!'_

"Is it really true that you drugged Sasuke, dragged him into a corner and beat him with a garden gnome, AND THEN tried to blame it all on him?" Sakura's voice had taken on a tone that promised excruciating pain no matter what his answer was.

"Hell no! Why would I do that?" Naruto hollered.

"Maybe because you're jealous of him?"

"What the fuck, why would I be jealous of that teme!"

"Because everyone likes him better than you, and I chose him over you! That's why!"

"… sure…"

"What do you mean by that? Don't you care if I like you or not?" Sakura screeched, obvious that she was near a mental breakdown. It would seem that although she didn't like Naruto, she enjoyed his attentions.

"No"

Sakura looked at him like a cow looks at an oncoming train (go weird al!). Her world was crashing down upon her pink little head and there was nothing she could do about it. Tears started to form in her eyes, but this had no effect whatsoever.

"You mean you don't like me any more?"

Naruto turned around and looked at her with the most serious look she had ever seen on his face, "Well, you should know how it feels, hanging on to something that will never happen. It really starts to hurt after a while… well, I'll be seeing you around."

Naruto had said something mature…. What the fluck! Was this the apocalypse or something? Poor Sakura, she had just been rejected by the one and only person she thought would love her forever, and now she was depressed. Where was Lee-san when you need him? (as a matter of fact, at this very moment he was out in the woods of Konoha challenging a horde of angry flesh eating wombats to further prefect some random taijutsu…lets just say that this one didn't turn out very well…eh-heh…)

Naruto really did like Sakura before. He would have done anything for the kind of attention she gave Sasuke. But then the infatuation wore off and he saw her for what she really was, selfish, shallow, and egotistical, and she doesn't give a damn about anyone but herself. "Well, I guess it's about time to go check on Sasuke…"

Sasuke woke up again, but this time less violently, and surrounded by med-nins ready to pump him full of drugs at a moments notice. He decided against repeating the earlier incident, for he wanted answers.

"A-hem" Sasuke to get the Hokage's attention, who was chatting with Kakashi-sensei at the door to his room.

"You're late again" Tsunade glared at the erratic sensei.

"Well, you see, I was abducted by these giant mutated alien beavers and then locked in a…"

"Enough! I don't need to hear your ridiculous excuses!"

"But I haven't gotten to the part about the anal-probing yet!" whined Kakashi.(thanks hogo-chan!)

"…"

If there is anything that could clear out a room faster than the speed of light it was the previous statement, and yes I am speaking from experience.

Tsunade just blinked in his general direction… what the hell was wrong with this boy? Seriously, what is this man smoking?

"Umm … Am I interrupting anything?" Naruto asked quietly as he walked through the door.

"Well you see I was just…"

"You don't want to know," stated Tsunade, stopping Kakashi from emotionally scarring the boy forever.

"Oh…okay then, how is Sasuke-teme?"

"I'm fine dobe."

"Oh dear, Sasuke, you're awake" Tsunade said, while secretly worried that Sasuke would repeat the earlier incident.

"DON'T CALL ME DOBE, TEME!" Naruto lightened the mood by being his normal weird self.

"Shut up dobe, we're on a hospital."

"…"

"…"

"…umm, we're not in a hospital…"

"What do you mean by that?" Sasuke

"Hehehe… That you're not in a hospital…hehehe you're in a…a psychiatric care center…Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

"Gasp wheeze gasp wheeze"

"Not again!" Tsunade yelled.

"Gasp… what do you mean 'not again'?"

"You don't remember?"

"Remember what?"

"It"

glares

"You don't remember anything?"

glares

"Anything at all?"

glares

"How about how you got here?"

glares

Tsunade-sama shared a suspicious look with Naruto and both started laughing hysterically.

'_What the hell is going on'?_

glares

"Aaaaaaaaaaanything at all? You sure?"

glares

Sasuke officially feared for his life… well maybe not for his life… maybe for his well being, he was altogether too sure that they'd leave him alive.

"So then… heh heh… you don't remember anything that happened… ha ha ha… yesterday…snork"

"Well then I guess… He he he … I cant believe this! This is gonna make this SO much more fun" smirked Tsunade

' _And now I can avenge Jasper!'_ thought Naruto.

"Isn't that funny, because yesterday a little birdie told me that…" continued Tsunade.

Rants- O my gawd, its been sooooo friggin' long! I can't believe it ….Damn the horrible disease that is writers block! … and the fact that our school musical primers in, like, 2 days…I've been so busy…and sleep deprived, but that's another story…PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE REVIEW! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! I NEED YOUR INPUT/ ENCOURAGEMENT/ WHATEVER! REEEEEEEEEEVIEW!


	10. Questioning sanity

Summary: Uhh, yeah... about that... there sorta isn't much of a plot...

Disclaimer: You know the drill

Warning: Not only is there no plot thought up before hand, today I just sat down after drinking at least one gallon of coffee and started typing, so really... if this turns out to be really crappy, blame the drugs, not me. BLAME THE DRUGS!... no, really. I'm alright... I think...

Chapter 10: Questionable sanity, ain't that fun?

Sasuke was deathly afraid of something. He feared it more than his brother's return, the horrible trauma-induced nightmares that he had been having since a young child, even...WETTING THE BED! (Doooooom)

This new phobia followed him everywhere he went, lurked at the corners of his mind, creeping up when he least expects it and then trying to feed cookies laced with drugs...um yeah... drugs...

The thing that Sasuke feared most was (dun dun dun) losing his sanity, and by god and the seven hells, he swore that those two imbeciles had driven him to the brink of insanity. Their names were like curses, and the very mention of them would send him running for the hills. Uzumaki Naruto and the demon witch Tsunade-baba.

They knew every little secret about him, every stupid thing he had done as a child, every mistake he made, every dislike and weakness he had. How they got this information, Sasuke didn't know, but damn it all, he was going to find out.

And so began his investigation...

Naruto giggled like an insane villain on crack. Thanks to that recent episode with Sasuke, he had all the blackmail material he needed. This was going to be fun...

Tsunade almost fell asleep during a meeting again. Damn, why are all these stupid people so friggin'' boring, not to mention the fact that she didn't get home till really late last night... or was that early this morning...she didn't even think she had any sleep. But hey, it was all worth it...now she could knock that Uchiha off his damn high-horse, it would be fun to see that Uchiha grovel before her feet, begging for her not to reveal his secrets to the world...She could see it now...Tsunade drifted of in her daydream and giggled at the most recent vision of the stoic boy trying to appease her

"YOU FIND MY PREDICAMENT ...FUNNY! INSENSITIVE WENCH!" shouted a random shinobi who was previously making a horrible and gruesome report of a mission that had ended terribly.

"Huh? oh, that... Um I wasn't even listening, sorry...uhhh."

"YOU'RE HORRIBLE!" the hysterical woman ran from the room and her sobs could be heard for at least 5 minutes after she left

"Aww, crap..."

Sasuke wasn't faring very well on his quest for answers. Not only was he being even more swamped with fan girls than ever before, they were now saying weird stuff about how he was drugged by Naruto and then he did some sort of pagan rite having to do with a garden gnome, a pair of thigh high stockings, and a ferret.

here were several problems with that theory, namely Naruto wouldn't know any pagan rites, let alone what the hell the word pagan meant, so that reason was screwed, although he was now sure that Naruto had played some part in this. Which reminded him, where the hell was that stupid gnome, Jassy, or Casper or what ever was that thing's name was. He hadn't seen it lately, and when he brought it up at breakfast this morning, Naruto ran out of the room crying, and saying something along the lines of. He was to young to die!" Now if that wasn't disturbing, I don't know what is.

"Hey! Sasuke-kuuuuun! Over here!" Damn, he hadn't noticed Sakura sneek up on him.

"Go away..."

"But... but ... I just wanted see...see how you were feeling.." Her eyes were filling with tears, man, he hated weepy females, they were so weak and annoying!

"I said go away" Sasuke said with more force.

"I...I HATE YOU!" she screamed and ran away. Now this affected the normally expressionless boy more than anyone could ever guess. Nobody had ever told him they hated him, except for the dobe, but Sasuke let him get away with it, so it really didn't matter. But his was one of his rabid fan girls, so the disappointment at losing her attention was inexplicably depressing, and he wanted a nap at home, and to feel loved by someone...preferably Naruto... Wait a second, was he really having these thoughts again? What the hell was wrong with him? Was he really turning into a fag? ...Well that would explain some things, like the male PMS and the great fashion sense. Sasuke didn't want to think about this right now, so he shrugged it off and started on his way home, wishing that he didn't have to use these damn crutches, they were starting to hurt.

'humph, might as well pick up some ramen for my idiot, seeing as how he will probably try and drag me out later for some anyways'

To be continued...

Rants: Sorry this took so friggin' long sighs not only have I had writers block for so long, barely anyone reviews...oh, well, I sort of understand, seeing as how this story sucks monkey butts. Well, if you want to, or if you are feeling sympathetic towards my pitifulness, will you please review, or you can just go and look at my other ones. I'm starting a new one called "Phobias" but it's just a heep of crap, but still, I crave feed back, it's the only thing that will help me get over my depression... not that anyone cares...sighs I'll just go shut up now...dies


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